My first sessions with the sexologist were extremely uncomfortable for me. Since the train ride to the office, a feeling of anxiety ran through my body because I knew that facing this therapy only made sense if I was willing to be really honest and open to face my worst fears: admitting to another human being that she had never had an orgasm and that she had lied to many people about it…
Breaking down my own taboos and prejudices: This caused me deep shame, it meant lowering my guard, being exposed and showing myself as I was. I had been pretending for a long time and I ended up getting used to the fact that this was all that sex could be for me, basically because I reached a point where I resigned myself to the fact that pleasure was not in my cards, it was not for me, I was abnormal or frigid period.
I couldn’t help crying when I told the sexologist all this and the first thing I felt was a lot of relief, as if a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. She assured me that I was not alone, that what was happening to me was much more common than I thought and that unless a person suffered extreme paralysis, there was no physical impediment for me to enjoy pleasure.
Everything was in my head
Everything was in my head, the desire was there, but dormant and I had to overcome family mandates, taboos and my own prejudices to wake it up. For that, from the beginning, he gave me two tasks: I had to start touching myself and watching porn. This was essential to know myself, to know what it was that could turn me on, generate desire, desire to experiment, desire to fuck …
The truth is that I did not masturbate or watch porn. Yes, it’s amazing, I know, but I was so frustrated that I really didn’t feel like it, it seemed like a total waste of time. When I was with a boy or boyfriend, in addition to not enjoying anything, I had to start acting and the truth is that fucking that way was already a burden to me. I was not interested in generating any extra frustrating situations, so when I had some time alone, I preferred to do something else. I didn’t even think about touching or fiddling, all I wanted to do was rest from the annoyance that sex was for me.
Going back to homework, the first few times, more or less, I had to force myself to face the issue because I felt I was doomed, but luckily in a short time I could see that I was very wrong.
On the one hand, I had to find some kind of porn that I liked, that would make me warm up instead of making me laugh, because everything seemed too exaggerated, too badly acted … or directly very intended for the male audience or the torteril audience. On the other hand, I had to masturbate, touch, caress myself without feeling bored or frustrated.
At some point in this whole search, it occurred to me to kick the board and do something totally unthinkable for me. If I had never successfully jerked off, maybe it could be because I really didn’t know how to do it right … Why not then look for videos of girls showing themselves masturbating? Perhaps, I could observe and learn, copy some “technique” and -in passing- break down my own prejudices and taboos. It had never crossed my mind to watch naked women jerking off – I was attracted to men – but to be fair, I hadn’t been very interested in looking at any kind of porn either.
So I did. I started to explore the “girl only” section by clicking on videos of ordinary girls, even looking like me physically, not porn stars. I wanted to see someone I could relate to, who wasn’t obviously overreacting. In that, I already had plenty of experience … Then one day I found a video of a Brazilian girl in her twenties. Sun-golden skin, long shiny black hair, tied in a ponytail. She was alone in a place outdoors, like having a picnic, lying on a blanket spread on the grass, carefree, relaxed and comfortable with herself … everything I wanted to be … Right there I decided that it could be A good example to follow.
Breaking down my own taboos and prejudices
I took off my blouse and jean, and stayed in my underwear just like her. I lay on my bed in her same position and began to imitate her every move. The girl ran her hands over her entire body, caressed her curves, ran her fingers over her nipples and genuinely seemed to be enjoying it. Copiying each of her actions to the letter, even her gestures, wishing to have as much fun as she did, looking at her was hypnotic …
I squeezed my tits with one hand over my black lace bra, gently squeezed my nipples, released the pressure, squeezed and released several times.
My other hand inside my panties
Then I put my other hand inside my panties and started to touch the whole area. Walking slowly rubbed my pussy with my fingers from the mons to my outer lips and inner over and over again.
There I could notice that I was starting to get wet and I used that lubrication to rub myself more fluidly and massage my clitoris. I saw my teacher used the his fingertips making a quick circular motion with one hand to excite. With the other, at the same time, she opened her index and middle finger in a V and parted her lips. I did exactly the same and found that the feeling improved.
I wasn’t bursting with enjoyment, but this was all nice and I was happy to see that I wasn’t made of wood.
So I realized that I liked hearing her moans and seeing her gestures of pleasure. It wasn’t just her face, her whole body was outlined and shuddered with excitement and I wanted to be like that, just like her. I turned up the volume of the video to not hear anything else, I wanted to understand that, I wanted to blend in with their feelings, I wanted to be possessed by desire.
And so when I least expected it
And so when I least expected it, while I was putting all my energy into trying to be like someone else, for the first time I was able to be truly me in sex and reach an orgasm. It was only a few moments, but my breath involuntarily deepened and I felt the need to moan, the first true moan of my life. Then I felt a mini explosion in the depths of my being and delicious spasms pussy branching my legs to my toes. My vagina was throbbing for a while.
After that, I went to sleep with one of the greatest feelings of relaxation and relief of my life. To this day, I believe that I have never felt such a relief again … I had managed to get rid of my shame, I had been able to release my frustrations and I had finally known the glory of enjoyment. And this was only the beginning…
Breaking down my own taboos and prejudices
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